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hey everyone...jus checking in...its been ages since ive had time to come on line...been working nights..have only slept like 2 hrs in the last 2 days..so i probably wont make much sense but needed to do something to keep me awake..

actually this isnt a good idea..will jus talk rubbish if i keep writing..

life isnt too bad at the moment...problems with my ex but thats pretty normal...i owe him a lot of money (which he doesn't know i have spent yet-our account is still joint) and now he wants the money so basically i'm screwed..so thats stressing me a little but trying not to think about it too much..got really stressed about it all a few weeks ago and jus got ill..

i'm crap with money..it slips through my fingers like water..

going to stop writing now..

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hey.
basically im writing this cos im bored and waiting to go to my doctors. i work in care and my manager sent me home this morning cos i kept being sick and couple of the residents are sick too. i am not allowed to be at work or go back to work until my doctor says i dont have anything contagious. which is a bit annoying when i dragged myself out of bed this morning to go to work feeling awful. never mind. had an arguement with my man yesterday. it was because he was annoyed at me for not calling him to say i was working late sun night (we had an emergency at work)..i suppose i should have called him but i knew he could contact me if he was worried so i didnt. anyway he was being really awful with me last night and i felt so ill i just couldn't deal with it. in the end i was in tears (which is so unlike me). he was really sweet after though when he reaslised how bad i felt and how upset i was. which was nice.

its weird. i feel relaxed and happy for the first time in sooo long. its almost a strange feeling. still living with my man. he makes me happy. well except for friday night when he got in and was really drunk and very sick. not nice. i just feel so chilled being there with him. he keeps talking about baby names. i'm not completely sure how i should take it. having a child is something we've talked about. only really cos he's a lot oder than me and has two grown up girls and a 3 yr old boy. he has always said he would like us to have a child together but he only wants one more child. i dont have any children but i think i would be okay with just having one child. after i had the miscarraige last year having another baby was all i could think of. then i guess my mind went to other things eventually when it stopped hurting so much. like going back to college this year. but now i cant stop thinking about it again. i know now would be the wrong time cos i wouldn't be able to finish my year course at college and go to uni straight away but i cant get the idea out of my mind. and him talking baby names all the time isn't helping. and then there's my ex. he doesn't even know i'm with my man (he would hate it if he knew-he kinda works with my man and they dont get on...long story) so if i got pregnant what the hell would i say to him?? i dont want to lose him-he's my family. i just dont know what to think. i guess im just so happy there with him at the moment that the idea of having a baby and being all settled is really nice. and the odd thing is at the moment that my ex is giving me soo much stress but im so chilled with my man i dont even think about it. and usually i worry about everything.

i think the storm is over. i suggested to my man (partly in an effort to get him into the new house) that me and him stay there over the weekend as my friend who i live with was having a bbq for her mans birthday at her house on sat and he was staying with her sat night. my man then finally started getting stuff for the house bed etc and we stayed there sat night and last night. i have to say, i actually quite like being there with him. sat night was kinda weird cos i was working late and he was out late so we were both tired when we got in and pretty much went straight to bed. but yesterday i worked early and he had his child until 6pm so we both got in about 7 and just spent the evening relaxing. which was really nice. jus had loads of candles and music then later we watched a film. and it was just so nice to feel so chilled for the first time in ages. we're staying at the house tonight. and being there with him last night made me think. i would rather spend the night with him than without him. any day of the year. but i'm still not quite ready to officially move in with him. so now we'll see if our relationship can actually survive now we're together properly with no one else on the scene. i guess time will tell.

I did it. Tuesday night i told him. i told him i cant move in with him. he didnt take it well. at all. he's kind of talking to me now. just. but now i have another problem. at the moment i'm living with a friend. i moved in with her after i left my ex. and for the past 3 weeks he's been staying with me at my friends house. now, if i was still moving in with him it would be okay for me to say we have to hurry up and move into the house so as to not put my friend out any longer (even though she doesnt really mind him being there too much-i still feel bad) but now i'm not moving in with him how do i push him to sort the house out and move without it looking like im just trying to get rid of him. he's still not really okay with me after me telling him im not ready to move in with him, how can i now ask when he's leaving? i feel really bad. i asked him what he wants to happen with us now cos he was going on like he cant trust the stuff i tell him as in if i changed my mind about that what else am i going to change my mind about. and he said he doesnt know what he wants to happen yet as that depends how things are going to be between us. i said so what do you think is going to change between us, do you think we're never going to see each other if we're not living together and he said i dont know thats why we'll have to wait and see how it is. there is so much going on in my head at the moment and i just need some space but cos he's staying with us he's constantly there. this isnt easy. not long since i was in this situation with my ex desperately dont want to be back in it already with him.

I have made some important decisions. I am meant to be moving in together with my man this week. But I have decided I'm not ready for that. I need some space. Too much has happened in my life in the last year that i haven't dealt with. And I don't like having to answer to someone. It's just too much too soon. But how do i tell him? After everything we've been through how do i tell him i don't want that at the last minute? Tonight is not going to be easy. But i have to tell him. On a positive note me and my ex are getting on really well. He's like my best friend, my family. And thats another reason wht i have to deal with things with my man. He doesn't like me and my ex being close. Which although i can completely understand, i can't walk away from my ex. I'm going back to college in september. What i really want is to just be on my own do what i want and just have some fun. I can't afford to get somewhere on my own with the hours i'll be working so i'll probably get a house share or something. I just...I just feel smothered at the moment. It took me so long to get out of the relationship with my ex and i felt like this then it would be stupid for me to jump back into that so soon, right? The point is, if i'm honest, I know my man isn't 'mr right'. And i'm an all or nothing kind of girl. I can't move in with him and do all this stuff if i know it's not right. I have to deal with this. I just don't know what to say.

Hello. My life is a mess. Too many things to deal with. Why does it have to be so damn complicated. How are you meant to deal with an ex who is HARD work and a man who doesn't like your ex. and 101 people who all want something from you. Oh my. Any advice????